Category Archives: Progress Report

My mental health journey and me

Some of you may have read my progress with my poetry and art over the years but many of you probably don’t know the true extent of how my health conditions of underactive thyroid, epilepsy and bulging disc in my back has affected my life. Alongside the events of my life over the past couple of years.

When I was child I was always shy quiet kept myself to myself. I don’t know why I just did. I was often bullied because of my height my ears my glasses or my eye patch for lazy eye. Or the fact that I had a brother who seemed to be academically and sporty A*. This fact of my brother would carry on into secondary school to an extent that my parents evenings would become opportunities to discuss my brothers future rather than mine. Making my hardwork or achievements feel pathetic and worthless. Neitherless I carried on and was determined to make it to university. Whilst at secondary school I only again had a few friends I wasn’t loud and outgoing, or interested in the latest magazine gossip or what i should be wearing. I got on better with boys due to there interest in rock and gaming. But my main interests were the arts and wwe.

So I made it to university even though my brother once again decided oh shes going university maybe I should now. My parents thought I needed looking after more like the other way round. My brother by this point was an alcolholic and gambling addict using money recklessly and expecting others to bail him out in theory. I was often a point of call despite needing my money to live on to get by and support my studies which was of course fine art. Which as many artists know isn’t cheap. I didnt get the degree grade I wanted a 2.1 in order to carry on and become a teacher alongside being an artist. I did however met my future partner Matt we clicked straight away similar interests, damaged families everything went smoothly. We had 2 miscarriages the first one effected me really bad to the point I would throw my artwork across the studio and breakdown. University support just wasn’t there, even my partner stepped in and said give her a break. During this time I met matts mum she was quite distant from me and warned me to get away from matt which I found a bit odd to say the least.

We carried on and soon had our first child and this is where my life changed. Four days post partum I developed epilespy, no known cause and no history in the family. I had put out son in his moses basket got into bed screamed and went into a grand mal. I don’t recall none of it. Next minute I know I am in hospital confused and baffled. I am then told I have epilepsy and would be put on epilim. Right okay I struggled to believe it at first and slowly came to terms with it. I was seizure free for five years.

Our son had a development delay speech mainly but struggled with his emotions so I had a lot going on with the school and we all know stress can be a trigger for seizures. June 2016 I relapsed and this is where my mental health journey really kicked of full swing. It was a normal day Matt went to work and our son was off ill. I went for a nap which was common with the side effects of medication and suffering from underactive thyroid since 16 I very rarely had a day without a nap. Our son must of called me but as I got off the bed I went into a grand mal no warning again. Our son was scared crying screaming his head off trying to dial whatever numbers he could on the house phone. Matt came home to our son in this state. He asked our son what was wrong and he replied mummy is shaking on the floor. Matt straight away rang 999 I don’t remember nothing other than laying on the bed going in an mri scanner and halliniating then once the drs had switched the lights on and off I was in hospital.

Matt told me what happened my mind went into guilt anger sadness patheticness and failure emotions I never felt this strongly about I just had images of my son crying out for help. I didn’t protect him guide him he was all alone it haunts me to this day.  I had a panic attack at first we thought it was a seizure so a and e I went. It was then I was diagnosed as having anxiety related to recent life events.

Life carried on I knew I had to crack on with things but as time and time went on my mind was doubting, getting scared and panicly more and more as each day went by. The last lot of seizures gave me the bulging disc as nobody knows how I fell this started to limit what I could do. As it would give me pain to the point it be a struggle to get out of bed and keep up with our son at the park on the school run etc feelings of failure was beginning to rise again.

Matt asked me to marry him after this lot of seizures which was a positive but was soon to be doomed. Matt and his mum had always had a up and down relationship. I would met up with her to discuss wedding stuff and our son but she would be wanting to knock us both down. She would make me feel like I was materilistic wanting too much and was trying to tell me how it should be how them things don’t matter. She didnt seem to understand it was our day. One day I couldnt take anymore of her  knocking Matt who had stood by me and supported me all this years. She was telling me I should get a job that i was putting to much pressure on Matt etc I broke down in front of Matt telling him everything.  I few weeks later he decided to get treatment I informed her and I have never felt to worthless in my life.

Everything I had confined in her she used against me how my childhood was that i had made it up , how I wasted my degree by having a child, that i had made matt ill even though all the stuff that was affecting him was from his childhood, and how that apparently she saw right though me from day one. She then threatened to cancel the wedding which she actually carried out. I asked for my dress and cape as we were going to get married in february. She ripped it up and put it in the trash and didnt bother to give our sons toys back donated them to charity. I was a mess am I really this hate able am I really this bad and worthless that a mother of my partner doesnt want me to marry there son. Despite in front of people singing my praises and telling everyone how wonderful of a family we were. Matt told me not to take notice and said its what she is like. I was heartbroken and we lost over two thousand in deposits.

She then decided she wanted to make a truths matt said nah not after this not after what she had done. So she decided to want to take Matt to court for money he owes. Matt owed nothing she had gifted the money but was using this to manipulate control and make us suffer. It made Matt so ill we had to get a warning put on her by the police because we didnt know when she would get the message. My head was starting to more and more confused and I was getting more anxious my the day having worst case scenarios going through my head. I was starting to believe what she was saying because as each day passed I was getting more and more focused on getting from a to b without nothing happening seizure wise, I would get in panic if I couldnt complete something because of pain because of things out of my control. I then started feeling like a burden I wasn’t enjoying stuff anymore and I wasn’t having a laugh. I was losing interest in things.

Matt had moved on he had completed cbt I was so proud of him but didn’t want to burden him with my troubles my thoughts of being scared of the stairs scared of being outside worried about being judged and vulnerable in i seized in public by myself or with our son. Worst case scenairos kept going through my head and i was getting more tired. What if I seized and nobody knew, what if I seized and got raped, that our son would be kidnapped, what if sudep happened I felt so much out of control but somehow I was still able to contain it, conceal it, hide it, I was ashamed of how I was feeling as I know people had it worst than me even the school told me our son wasnt the first child to see a seizure or that they got that it is scary. They had no idea if only they knew I still had flashbacks and how much of a failure of a parent I felt.

Matt decided to give his mum another chance but it didn’t last long because this time she had decided to manipulate our son get him to turn against us, I was pregnant again finally something happy something to celebrate. We noticed our son wasnt acting his usual happy self caring sweet kind understanding he was being more rude answering back and was lashing out.  She took something Matt said the wrong way as she had met a fella and wanted to invite him to our sons birthday party we were like no family friends only and we havent even met the bloke. She wasn’t happy Matt explained he wanted to met this fella of hers in his own time which was understandable considering their history.

She turned up late for our sons birthday spent the whole time avoiding the celebrations was acting wierd and didn’t even bother to watch our son blow out his birthday candles. I was like here we go again. A few days later Matt chatted to her she took what he said the wrong way.  I tried explaining to her what he meant etc but again was dragged and abused like a piece of dirt on her shoe. Once again she was telling me how my life should be how i will never amount to nothing that i will have nothing that she hadn’t hurt matt and caused his anxiety that it was my fault. At the time I was filling in esa as I was struggling that bad it had got to the point that Matt had to come out of work as I was falling asleep on the hallway on the stairs, struggling to keep up with laundry and I was having major panic attacks again.  My back was killing and making me feel pathetic. I was a mess. I wasnt able to conceal it anymore I had hit breaking point I felt worthless a shit partner and mother, a failure. I had failed to protect those I love the most.

Our son then opened up to us one day and what he told us broke me in two I was furious I could scream I wanted to crawl away how can anybody be like this why would you want to do this to a child whose already seen so much and was acheiving so well. I then started getting paranoid again I started worrying about every little thing that was wrong with me health wise I didnt want my body to fail me again. I felt so much guilt and was so angry with myself why me just why. I was googling things I was going to drs with symptoms I didnt know was my back my epilepsy I didnt know what was wrong with me. All I knew was something wasn’t right.

Matt had managed to ring healthy minds I used his strength and courage to take that step for me to ring. I took like what felt like forever to dial the number then a lady answered and i knew then there was no turning back. I needed to confront this once and for all.

I went though the questions  my thoughts going from what she said to seizures to what was happening to failure etc etc it was just going round and round. It was affecting my sleep it was stopping me doing stuff. I had one night where our son went to hospital I was so scared of having a seizure I couldnt physically get of the bed to let our dog out to do business. I was that pertified of a worst case scenairo happening. I couldn’t risk my family seeing me like that again seizing. Our son crying screaming was going though my head. I clang onto the pillow so tight and cried cried cried cried until my eyes were sore.

About a month later I get a letter in the post telling me what service I had been referred to and i started therapy a few weeks back. It was the best move I had ever made my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

It is estimated one in six people suffer from mental health out of that for epilepsy it is 1 in3 in the uk.

This week is mental awareness week  and me and partner have set up a facebook page

mental health warriors

A page for support a place to turn to a place to feel less alone in conquering mental health whatever the cause or type.

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Health progress

Life has been pretty tough since 2016 when I seized in front of my son. It still haunts me and caused me to have anxiety attack shortly after. Since then I have struggled hugely with anxiety and wondering when a seizure will strike I get no warnings that is what scares me. Shortly after them seizures I developed a l4 l5 bulging disc which I had to have physiotherapy for. My back hasnt been the same since. Now pregnant with baby number two of whom I know will be a cleft baby. I’ve had to refer myself to healthy minds due to my anxiety and low mood. Now due to have a pregnancy assessment to see if there are things mentally that can help me deal with pain more better and my anxiety around my epilesy. Have also recently went back to physiotherapy as I was in so much pain now have to use tubgrip covers from pelvis to just under breasts to support bump and back. Was told I also have a weak pelvis so was given exercises that are safe to do in pregnancy to strengthen my back and pelvis. Fatigue and weakness the lack of strength and pain I experience has turned my life upside down. I no longer can focus long enough to complete a poem or mere think of a topic to write about. I miss having a clear focused mind. Its amazing how a few life experiences and changes can have such a dramatic change on your life. I am still learning to accept my limitations which is hard because my soul feels trapped inside a body that doesnt want to co operate with me. I push myself everyday to do something remotely normal like a bit of housework a walk try and carry some shopping a short distance but I will pay the price in pain, fatigue and weakness then am not fit for nothing. To others I probably look normal looking at me you wouldnt know i have back problems daily pain fatigue weakness anxiety depression the list goes on. I have things going on drs cant test until after baby is born which is a pain but i understand. Due an eeg on monday. I am hoping and praying this goes to some lengths to explain why it takes me so long complete stuff. Why poetry book number two my world hasnt been completed nor the fiction book. Having invisible illnesses sucks.

My son turns seven in march and wants a wwe party

 

My son Cameron has come on along way in six years and honestly think he copes better with life than me.

In his six years of life he has

-had to have speech therapy due to delay which he succeeded and is now where he should be academically.

-He has seen a dystonia strike with his nan whose heavy disabled and helps and cares for her dearly

-He has seen me have tonic clonic seizures in front of him and is so understanding and caring despite all my health problem

-His best friends with everyone at school but always looks out for his best mate who has adhd

-I am currently pregnant with second child who has been diagnosed with cleft lip and palate. Him being the superstar he is  has totally took it on board and its sunk in.

Now in march is his birthday st paddys day.

I want to make it special but affordable

His picked wwe as his theme he loves wwe not just modern old school as well.

So how do I make a wwe birthday party in the uk when most of the party stock you get from the USA.  So this is my current task to make my sons birthday as memorable as possible.

Too little time

Why is it when you are young, your parents say to you make the most of it when they are little as the time

just flies by in a blink. This I have noticed is very true. It only seems yesterday my son started school and its even more scary in a few months he be classed as year 2. Eek. But here’s progress so far:

  1.  Bullying since half term has ceased
  2. One is finding it much harder to find gain that kick up the backside to do things.
  3. One is dreading Monday as its my sons progress report day not a report report day just general progress.
  4. One son is very very happy with school. Is working very hard completing work. Not sure where his level of sentence structure is now, but spelling, letter size and punctuation have improved.
  5. His more and more creative everyday and this is inspiring him everyday.
  6. This is becoming more apparent in his Lego play. Today he got given spider man stickers for his hard work. Today he used them for their original purpose then placed them on his Lego and made his own little set with loads of his figures all good guys.Into a spider man gaff or something like that anyways as he had used a door so one can only presume its a gaff.
  7. Is going to read up on where son should be at.

So it’s nearly time…

For said child to go back to school. From previous post on progress.

  1. Has remain calm and polite
  2. Has baked, been creative and got said child to read
  3. Said child seems to have lost interest in making lego movie due to doing other activities.
  4. Has managed to do interviews and poetry
  5. One is wondering is everything to good to be true
  6. World has become even more mind baffling am starting to wonder how a millienum onwards baby would have coped in 90s or even further back culture
  7. Is also wondering what words with each generation are not to be heard and what ones can. One finds this mega confusing.
  8. One is also wondering why political correctness past history seems to be aired everywhere which often leads one to say fuck off in ones head whilst changing channel.
  9. Is wondering what world said child is growing up in. It is very far away from said childhood.
  10. Telly seems reality based a lot is this do to stressing about hurting someone or merely because we want to watch someone else live there lives and like gossip. One would rather watch comedy and drama.
  11. Going back to words and acts of non acceptable things that may cause offence seems to list quite a few which mostly only leaves one with wwe and doctor who though even these could be questioned if one was to look as past films music programs
  12. One sure does miss taking a piss and having a laugh and it being seen as banter.
  13. One truly recognises that one is a Cockney though one knows no true Cockney language other than only fools and horses and Danny dyer easterenders talk.
  14. One recognises ones grammar spelling is a bit shitty well probably a lot as one has got used to texting.
  15. That it is probably nerdy to say I have seen most technology changes and materialistic change even though I class this as a privilege as one had a childhood not ruled by technology.
  16. It is probably even more sad that one has nearly seen and witnessed most of wwe history which again could be seen nerdy comparing past wrestlers with modern. One character and style.
  17. Is it bad other than a handful of modern programs one still goes back to said childhoods programs for laughs and entertainment.
  18. That when crap is on the telly one resolts to phone for entertainment to restore ones sanity lol.
  19. Has found that said child other than bit of lego viewing on YouTube not as extreme as before and fresh prince. Said child has spent half term playing exploring learning and being creative. Interacting with world and learning new things.
  20. One is going to be counting days down again to next half term.

Another term goes by..

download

So over the past week or so one has not been very amused with attitude of certain things in kids relationships and adults attitudes towards what happens. This is the list I have came up with in such dilemmas:

  1. One should not jump to conclusions and think the very worst like ones child will end up hospital.
  2. One should ask ones child how day has been and if anyone has been unkind. Also to monitor the frequency to ensure nothing more serious is occurring.
  3. One should also ask if child has behaved and hasn’t had no time outs. So far this year fucking fantastic apart from a few warnings.
  4. One should make sure ones child cuts down on YouTube usage and not get obsessed with needing to watch people put Lego together. Although watching these has given one’s child the lovely idea of wanting to make his own Lego movie. Is a brilliant idea as its creative, imaginative, using a lot of skills but one is wondering how long does one’s child want this movie to be. It could end up being a series of episodes lol.
  5. One should not second question things why my son got two books? why my son not got an exercise book worth of homework like previous terms? Over thinking and worrying could result in going to number one.
  6. One despite how aching tired and in pain one is to try to regardless of mood of son to get them to read their books and get them to read some of the books that are sitting on one’s child shelve.
  7. One should however if behavior of other children is unkind and frequent make said people aware that you will go to any lengths lea police to get said matters resolved so they know you are serious about this and not just being inconvenient.
  8. One should use ones child diary to record such happenings and not always resort to seven of out of blue lengths when staff are caught by surprise of happenings.
  9. One should not dwell on past experiences to either go to one resort to seven and remain calm and polite at all times.
  10. Even though one, and nine can be hard at times as can be outraged by adult responses, and naive to how ones child development set backs can affect said child on a day-to-day basis. That ignoring said facts is indeed unkind as  an excuse for accepting other behaviors towards said one’s child due to one’s child kind happy friendly nature.
  11. Taking all this into account one must carry one and not worry. Focus on the positive and have faith that system nor adults will fail to deliver on said child’s life. Once it is sorted to move on and get on with things whilst keeping in mind above things.

One’s anxiety and worrier nature does not help with this. One shall focus on getting one’s poetry and interviews done. To help one’s child achieve goal of making said Lego movie and hope it does not consume entire of half term as its only a week.

Wrestling figures

Right so its xmas is coming up. My son has decided he wants doctor who sorted wwe stage mum and dad to get. But he wants divas wwe and old school ones as well. Now we were lucky with the bundle we got him a couple years back. Accessories two rings and loads of wrestling figures but sadly his got only one diva. If anybody knows where I can get divas for less than 22 quid let me know. Also think its sad that UK can only get so many figure packs there like released once then you can’t find them. One frustrated mum. 

Busy busy 

So as people have probably gathered I have managed to do the following:

  • Create a logo and banner for New Art United
  • Get more content up on site for New Art United
  • New Art United is an ambitious plan of mine but determination is what I shall be
  • Creating more poetry and artwork
  • My son is now loving school and is going to show that he can be himself and learn and asthma is improving.
  • My health is still up in the air I have good days and bad days. My family and creative world make life more bearable.
  • I will not let my conditions define me but give me strength and inspire me.

New plans

  1. To carry on with New Art United
  2. Get my work out there more
  3. Keep creating
  4. And yes to finish my world which needs retyping and editing again.
  5. To create a new body of artwork on a smaller scale that can be easily transported and can be easily stored away so little tiny hands don’t go on it.

So whats been happening?

As my love for the arts seemed to be getting me down. I decided to have a break from it all. My son is getting more and more cheeky by the day. He currently has an obsession with the gruffalo which is good, but he loves to let everybody know what the gruffalo looks life. By shouting it down the street, oh how I love my son. Poetry wise I am getting there , I am just making sure that all the poems are good to a standard to which I would say I would read that.